On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
