1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
