it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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