What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
