His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
