Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
