You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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