And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
