I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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