my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
