things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
