The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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