Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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