we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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