I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
