My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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