I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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