if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
