We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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