This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
