i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
