This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
