My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
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