My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
All I want is dick and wine.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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