Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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