Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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