I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
All I want is dick and wine.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
