y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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