Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
