Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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