My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
