You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
