So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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