I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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