yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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