Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
