the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
How external is "for external use only"?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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