Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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