the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
