I'm laying in your front yard are you home
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
