just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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