so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
