Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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