my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
