I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
