I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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