we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Less talking, more tequila
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
