Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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