That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
