Got a toothbrush?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It's blow job season.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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