final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
